


Do your FUCKING laundry

by witchGender



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dave is nastie so his loves decide to do something about it, Multi, Polyamory, Post-Game
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-11
Updated: 2017-10-11
Packaged: 2019-01-15 22:25:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12330090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/witchGender/pseuds/witchGender
Summary: Commission for an anonymous tumblr user! Takes place after the end of the comic, when the trio has settled into their own house and are trying to get used to life as sort-of-gods.





	Do your FUCKING laundry

     A lot changed when the game ended. A lot of plans had to be made, a lot of injuries had to be treated, and a lot of tears (both of relief and of sorrow) had to be shed. But for Jade, one of the hardest things was convincing Dave that his godtier clothes no longer had magical self-cleaning properties.

     “Daaaaaave! I've told you time and time again, our powers may have remained but a lot of objects lost their magical abilities! That includes our clothes! Just take the damn things off so I can wash them already!”

     “Look Harley, I don't know what whack trollish space dust you've been smoking, but my clothes smell perfectly clean to me.”

     “That's because you've been sitting in your own stink for two weeks! Trust me, you don't smell nice.”

     “Aw, come on babe, don't say that.”

     “Change your fucking clothes and she won't have to.” Karkat had appeared in the doorway, and his arms were crossed, his eyes narrow in the I-am-done-with-your-bullshit look he wore so well and so often. “I've got a stronger nose than you and I can tell you right now, you smell about as nice as an Alternian giant bullworm in heat.”

     “You know I've got no clue what you're talking about, right?” Dave stretched his arms over his head, still not moving from his seat on the couch. “Just let it go guys, my clothes are clean.”

     Jade and Karkat shared a look then, their eyes locking in silent understanding. They'd both been with Dave long enough to know that at times like this, words were useless.

     It was time to bring out the big guns.

     “Well, okay, I guess there's no point in arguing.” Jade said, her voice turning sweet. She walked around the back of the couch and easily slid between Dave's uprised arms, leaning down and hugging him around the middle as she planted a kiss on his cheek. She struggled not to gag. Unwashed teenage boy was not a nice smell. Karkat dramatically huffed and uncrossed his arms, entering the room properly.

     “Yeah, I'm too exhausted to keep running in circles around your idiot logic, Strider.” He stepped up to the couch and leaned in, nuzzling Dave's neck in his usual affectionate way. Dave looked confused but pleased.

     “Aw yeah, babe time.” he cheered, turning to kiss Jade. With his eyes closed, he missed them sharing another, more mischievous look.

     “SIKE!” Karkat barked as Jade gripped the bottom of Dave's shirt and yanked up and back. Dave yelped in surprise and struggled, but with his arms tangled up, he couldn't keep Karkat from yanking his pants off.

     “Wait, guys!” he protested, but it was too late. Jade let out a victorious cackle as she and Karkat bolted, arms full of Dave's clothes, and Dave himself chasing after them naked. “Come on, give 'em back!”

     “We will when they're clean!” Karkat called behind him just as he and Jade shut themselves in the laundry room. They collapsed then, giggling to each other, clutching their filthy prizes.

     “Good work, leader.” Jade said with a grin, kissing Karkat's cheek. He scrunched up his nose, but smiled at her. They heard a groan from outside.

     “Come on guys!” Dave whined. “I'm in my birthday suit out here! Naked as a newborn babe! Featherless like a plucked chicken! Peeled like a banana!”

     “Don't you fucking dare start comparing yourself to a banana or I'll bite your banana in half!” Karkat hollered back, causing Jade to rock back and forth, almost weeping with laughter. A horrified gasp was heard through the door, and judging by the sounds, Dave had protectively covered his “banana”.

     “You two are cruel.” Dave groaned, slumping against the door.

     “And you're nasty.” Karkat sneered, helping Jade load the washing machine. “Go back to your block and get some clothes.”

     “Can't you just let me in?” he pleaded. Jade dramatically considered the request, tapping her chin and humming loudly.

     “Hm... Nope!” she decided, her mouth grinning wickedly. “Gross boys who don't change their clothes have to walk around without them!”

     “But what if someone comes over!” Dave protested. “I do NOT want to hear what Rose will have to say if she sees this...” There was a moment of silence as Karkat and Jade looked at each other. They both smirked as Jade slowly reached for her phone.

     “... Shit. Don't you dare, Harley! Drop it!” Dave had realized almost immediately how bad of an idea it was to give them ideas. Jade yelped in surprise as her Bec instincts kicked in and she pouted as she dropped the phone. It clattered on the tile and Karkat cackled, clutching his stomach and doubling over.

     “Wait, you mean barkbeast commands actually work on you?”

     “Only sometimes!” Jade's face was red, her large white ears twitching.

     “Try all the time!” Dave called through the door. “It's hilarious!”

     “It's humiliating! God, and you wonder why I have no qualms about stripping you naked and leaving you outside my door.” Jade glared, and even through the door, Dave could feel it.

     “Aw, please let me in? I promise I won't do the command thing again.” Dave sounded extremely sincere, and Jade hesitated. Karkat huffed.

     “But it's fun to think of you standing out there like a stripped, mass-produced plastic wriggler's doll lacking in the proper anatomy to be realistic!”

     “... Did you just call me a fucking Ken doll?” Dave sounded incredulous, and it was Jade's turn to collapse in laughter. Karkat seemed confused about why the comparison was so funny. Wiping tears from under her glasses, Jade opened the door, letting Dave rush inside.

     “About time! Why the hell-” Dave was cut off by Jade's kiss, laughter still making her chest shake. She pressed her forehead to his, giggling.

     “I love you, Ken.” she cooed. Dave gaped and stuttered incredulously. His cheeks reddened and Jade buried her face in his neck, still unable to stop laughing. Eventually Dave just gave up and hugged her.

     “I love you too, you damn clothing thief.” he muttered.

     “Hey,” Karkat drawled, “if you did your fucking laundry, this wouldn't have happened!

 


End file.
